>>37151892
>I can just talk to whom I love if I want to
Wow! Good for you! I guess the people coming here just never thought of that.
>and I don't want to speak to whom I hate, though I could if desired.
Everything is just so accessible to you! Mindblocks, ghosting, even DEATH are no boundaries to you when it come to wanting to speak to someone!
>This thread is meaningless.
Here I'm going to charitably assume you mean "meaningless to me", and that you're not actually dismissing everyone ITT. In which case, sorry for giving you a hard time with those two lines above, anon. Seriously, glad things are good and simple for you.>>37153231
I have a longer response on the horizon, but I've been in the docs office for hours now so I thought I'd touch on something.
He's started claiming to be ace about a year ago, which threw me for the loop. He was always the engager, his drive was always higher than mine (and that's saying something since I've always been an absurdly horny person) - I mean, 2 kids don't happen out of nowhere, ya? When I queried him on it, he said he always felt like he was just doing what dudes should do... kinda playing an act. I don't get it tho. You don't go at it every single day (early on) and then several times a week (up til last year) and be the engager at least half the time while being ace - for a decade+. Like, I should trust him on it, but it's just do hard comprehend.
He is poly. That was one of the very early hurdles of our relationship. I was the one that insisted on monogamy. I have too much anxiety. I do wonder if he'd let me backtrack on all that, but... I am monogamous myself for a reason and I don't know if I'd be able to split my focus.>>37137668
dad you are SO OLD and i HATE looking after you.
all my friends have normal dads and i don't and i hate it.
my only hope is that once i come out as a troon you reject me and i never have to care for you again.
i still love you though, just wish you were cool.Bumpi never think of you unless im forced to. stop forcing me to. leave me alone>>37137668
Feels really good knowing that I'm going to hell. See you there fag, and thanks for sucking me off>>37153170
Thank you for sharing your story. I feel like my husband has a lot of similarities to you - only probably more advanced due to the kids being all tangled up in it. He's talked about masking before, feeling like he always needs to wear a smile and feeling like -I- lash out at him when he shows negative sentiment. It's gotten to a point where I don't even respond to him anymore because I'm not -trying- to hurt him, I'm usually just trying to find a solution to his problems... but his problems are usually me, so it's like... fuck man, I'm trying as hard as I can. The only thing MORE I could do would be to trip my life insurance and just leave instructions in my will on how to responsibly use $1M. That I've even gotten that dark over it tells a lot about where I am in this situation. I've begun to disassociate again, and that's a hell I don't want to relive.

>>37153183
I wish it were so easy. All the pieces are in play but I can't see the path to victory. I've thought and thought and thought on it and every play leads to ruin. It's not like me to get tied up on these kinds of things. I move through complex social situations at work like a fish through water. But one person stuck in an impossible situation? Fathomless.
Obviously I'm leaving a lot of details out, but the fact is that my friend trolls around on here - she'd probably recognize this in a heartbeat... and there's certain things about me and my home life that I don't want to share yet (this is already more than enough, but I need to get it out somewhere or I'm going to fall apart)
I've tried to be encouraging and to build an air of excitement. Being overly optimistic is something I typically do best. Everything will get better and if they won't, I'll make it better. I'm an overplanner by nature and I can envision almost all of the correct routes to a good future. But, maybe, I've spent so long telling other people things will be okay that I'm starting to not believe it myself.>>37155023
Like, I've spent so long saving everyone else around me that I forgot to save myself, yaknow?
But my overwhelming optimism just doesn't seem to cut through anymore. There's always another excuse for why everything sucks. And most of the things that seem to suck seem to involve me. It makes me feel like I'm not trying hard enough, but I only have so much time and energy.
I kinda wish he could see how much of my persona and success are driven by my love for him. I stay in shape because I want to look good for him and be healthy enough to stay with him for a long time. I put my nose to the grindstone and learned valuable skills so that I wouldn't be a burden to him.

>>37153231
I mentioned it in my other post, but sex is in fact a very big deal to me. It's a kind of physical closeness that I can't just get otherwise. I want to be held and touched and kissed and to feel love and passion and I want that often (and without feeling like I'm begging for it from an unwilling party). I'm very much a submissive type and I think it's an important release valve for me after being high strung at work leading teams of people, deconflicting schedules and missions, organizing assets, fighting my bosses and other groups for the resources my people need to not be burnt out by a mission that never stops. To be able to just let go of the wheel and trust someone else in one of the most intimate settings possible is... so important to me. I don't have that anymore and I think it's been a big part of this building pressure. And that's not to speak of the pain that comes with rejection, esp by your own partner. Having him roll away from me once or twice when he's had a bad day, sure, it happens, I can respect that... sometimes you just need to cuddle. But every single time? It hurts. It makes me feel ugly and unwanted. The dude spends more time cuddling the dog at night.>>37155036
Dr's appointment went like shit. Sat for hours just to get told when I was being seen for is a non-issue. And now I'm behind on work for the day (which I have already been behind on in general because I've been having a whole fucking breakdown for a couple of weeks now).>>37155023
[1/?]
>I wish it were so easy. All the pieces are in play but I can't see the path to victory. I've thought and thought and thought on it and every play leads to ruin. It's not like me to get tied up on these kinds of things. I move through complex social situations at work like a fish through water. But one person stuck in an impossible situation? Fathomless.
The cliché is always to imagine what the solution looks like and then to start working backwards from there, as opposed to brute-forcing every which way up the tree-diagram you presently find yourself at the trunk of.
But, I don't know... I feel like I'm dangerously close to abstracted your real-world problems enough that my advice isn't going to do much.
Or maybe I'm wrong; you're painfully aware of the status quo, the game state, so save some miraculous external intercession, it's going to come down to how you look at things.
>Obviously I'm leaving a lot of details out, but the fact is that my friend trolls around on here - she'd probably recognize this in a heartbeat... and there's certain things about me and my home life that I don't want to share yet (this is already more than enough, but I need to get it out somewhere or I'm going to fall apart)
Oh, please do only share what you're comfortable with. I understand how crisis-mode is sort of like a water-pump or fire hydrant for personal info or whatever, but, yeah, folks only post here if they've got no other outlet.
I'd offer to be there to talk off the thread, but I'm not really down for that at the moment (mainly because I've never really done that before for anyone; I suppose my big problem is keeping people at distance, despite the fact I get so personal and engrossed with knowing people anonymously)...
Honestly it's been real for me sharing as little as I had.>>37155023
[2/?]
>He's talked about masking before, feeling like he always needs to wear a smile and feeling like -I- lash out at him when he shows negative sentiment. It's gotten to a point where I don't even respond to him anymore because I'm not -trying- to hurt him, I'm usually just trying to find a solution to his problems... but his problems are usually me, so it's like... fuck man, I'm trying as hard as I can.
If I may, perhaps the fallacy here is that his problems are problems that need solutions (or even CAN be solved with solutions).
I have no doubt you're trying as hard as you can because it's evident you love him and want him to be happy, but honestly some folks--I don't know--it's like sadness or negativity is a kind of simmering sauna that's its own kind of uncomfortable comfort.
Like the only thing more miserable than Eeyore is Eeyore when Tigger is trying to get him to smile or something.
In leiu of comparing you both to Winnie-the-Pooh characters
>The only thing MORE I could do would be to trip my life insurance and just leave instructions in my will on how to responsibly use $1M. That I've even gotten that dark over it tells a lot about where I am in this situation. I've begun to disassociate again, and that's a hell I don't want to relive.
Where you feel like you're just staggering around through a life you barely remember as yours, doing things that make no sense, because all your thought might as well be buzzing somewhere else in a fictional person's head...
Yeah, I konw that feel, and I definitely know that strategic decision-making goes out the window when your thining about things miles or timelines away from what's right in front of you.
If there's some cope you can take just to get your head straight for a few days even, it will do wonders, because you can utilize that "sober-thinking" time to just realign your tragectory so you stop blindly walking deeper into the hole.>>37155036
[3/?]
School's staring up again--maybe put up a united front for parent-teacher conferenes? And then just cling onto that energy long enough to quiet down some of this noise in your head?
It's easier to peddle the bike after kicking off, after all.
>Like, I've spent so long saving everyone else around me that I forgot to save myself, yaknow?
I get you. This "saving" thing, especially for people like you and me responsible for other people (again, I'm no parent, but I digress), should be about finding equilibrium from the inside-out, as opposed to the outside-in.
There's another cliché line about fixing your own oxygen mask first, which I refuse to use lol.
>But my overwhelming optimism just doesn't seem to cut through anymore. There's always another excuse for why everything sucks. And most of the things that seem to suck seem to involve me. It makes me feel like I'm not trying hard enough, but I only have so much time and energy.
Optimism is only as effective as folks' desire for better things.
If people are not especially looking forward to possibly winning a trip to Disneyland, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with Disneyland, just that they're not as into it.
I'm sincerely sorry that
>most of the things that seem to suck seem to involve me
I've had a lot of experience witnessing this dynamic, and I'm suspecting that it has to do with the fact you're the breadwinner and he's raising the children at home.
I'm compounding this with how you also mentioned the girls idolize you while treating him like the bad cop.
I'm just imagining a triangle with lots of arrows of good/bad vibes going back and forth between you all rather viciously, when it should all be so less combustive.
I don't know, maybe a dynamic like yours with such contrasts needs some kind of metaphorial engine oil to keep the parts from performing abrasion.>>37155036
[4/?]
>I'm not trying hard enough
Again, the in-tears-everyday thing speaks for itself how much you've done, how much you are DOING when it comes to this.
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
I said it before and I'll say it again, that white-knuckling is your biggest danger at this point--letting that type-A personality seep in when it comes satisfying eveyone's emotions.
>I kinda wish he could see how much of my persona and success are driven by my love for him. I stay in shape because I want to look good for him and be healthy enough to stay with him for a long time. I put my nose to the grindstone and learned valuable skills so that I wouldn't be a burden to him.
You are such a kind person, doing all of this with him in mind. It is not unreasonable at all to want more in return.
I don't know the best way communicate the depths of your love for him and how awful it all feels now despite that--it's like you said, it seems like there's no PERFECT angle of attack when it comes to bringing this stuff up at home.
But there are angles, and it might come to the point (after a thinking soberly about it), that although there is no perfect angle, there's an angle that seems cleanest or strongest or the least riskiest.
I know you're an optimist, but you may have to accept breaking a few eggs to make this omlette--and the alternative is really just rotten eggs.>>37155036
[5/?]
>I mentioned it in my other post, but sex is in fact a very big deal to me. It's a kind of physical closeness that I can't just get otherwise. I want to be held and touched and kissed and to feel love and passion and I want that often (and without feeling like I'm begging for it from an unwilling party). I'm very much a submissive type and I think it's an important release valve for me after being high strung at work leading teams of people, deconflicting schedules and missions, organizing assets, fighting my bosses and other groups for the resources my people need to not be burnt out by a mission that never stops. To be able to just let go of the wheel and trust someone else in one of the most intimate settings possible is... so important to me. I don't have that anymore and I think it's been a big part of this building pressure. And that's not to speak of the pain that comes with rejection, esp by your own partner. Having him roll away from me once or twice when he's had a bad day, sure, it happens, I can respect that... sometimes you just need to cuddle. But every single time? It hurts. It makes me feel ugly and unwanted. The dude spends more time cuddling the dog at night.
In regard to the paragraph above and >>37153525, I really don't want to pry or assume too much or anything, but perhaps this will be your eventual angle.
If he seems genuine and sincere about being asexual, then I'm sorry but you might want to have to reconsider your monogamy, because your passion for passionate sex seems as crucial and integral to your core as almost anything else you've written about.
When I spoke of misandry before, I was attacking society at large instead of your husband personally, and I'm suspecting (please tell me that I'm wrong) that your adherence to monogamy is because of how terrible things were when you were growing up.>>37155036
[6/?]
If that's the case, then I just want to reaffirm that you know what right and wrong are, and personal fulfillment for you and your husband is more important than a social dynamic, even if you believe it was what made things bad in the past. It's never non-monogamy itself--it's the people that ARE non-monogamous.
You're husband being poly sounds like a bonefide gift;
not only do you have all the right pieces, but the rules might already be set in your favor to literally move them about as you please.
After 12 years and 2 kids together, do you have any doubt that he want you to be happy?
Or at least have any doubt that he wants you to feel well enough to not cry every day?
There are people whom I hate that I don't wish that for.

>>37155053
>Dr's appointment went like shit. Sat for hours just to get told when I was being seen for is a non-issue.
I've been there. No fun at all. Maybe at least some peace of mind? Now that's my looking on the bright side.
>And now I'm behind on work for the day (which I have already been behind on in general because I've been having a whole fucking breakdown for a couple of weeks now).
Please don't feel any need to reciprocate my replies or message-lengths if you don't need/want to or don't have time.
This is all for you, and I won't be offended or anything no matter what you write in response or if you choose to write nothing at all and this is goodbye.
Hope equilibrium finds you soon~>>37155036
[7/7]
Sorry, just needed to cap it.>>37156257
I mostly adhere to monogamy due to past life experiences regarding my own personal capacity to pay attention to people. My mind is like a runaway train powered by the world's most volatile engine set ablaze. While I'm very passionate and have love and energy abound for every soul I meet... I have a tendency to leave people feeling left out when I broaden my scope too much. I've left people feeling very abandoned in the past and those moments weigh heavy on me. So especially when I come to relationships, it's important for me to narrow my scope to one person. I told my husband as much way back when we were dating.
I'm a more mature person now, I've reigned in my time management and people pleaser issues, but that'd leave the question open of if my friend would even want to be involved in something like that. I would be very, very surprised.

You're a kind soul and I really appreciate how much you've put into responding to me, a total internet stranger. Thank you. I prob won't touch upon the rest of the stuff I've talked about from here because at this point I'd just be chasing my tail and you've given me a lot of sage advice to consider. I like the idea of this thread. Wish I could see it a bit more often.Thank you.

Each time I lose someone, a piece of my heart goes with them.
I wonder if by the end of it I will be a quiet husk of desperate contemplation.
I feel old. I've been alone with my thoughts for a long time. I can't share them, none will know the real me ever. Not because I'm special, but because it's pointless.

Thank you. For your stories, for letting me experience the echo of feelings I never felt and experiences I didn't have.

There is so much I'm glad for. I'm going to miss everyone's terribly. This life is so beautiful, so full, it cuts me up in ribbons.

I wish I were underwater.

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