"Why Did You Love Me?"E

Links

Rating Details

A question that would haunt me well into the afterlife.

This was never how it was supposed to go.

I have tailored a world for myself where no one would care. No one *should* care. No one should like, much less love me, as I am. Raw and honest. Intense and torn. Vulnerability pecking through to my bones like a vulture to a carcass.

It was dangerous to get close to me. I was hostile. I needed to be. It wasn’t safe to become soft or sweet. I deserved the suffering I caused myself.

“This is what’s best”. The words were spoken through grit teeth. Mirrors became my worst enemy, and distractions, my hero.

A moment to spare would only allow the crushing weight of “what if” questions to arise and twist my stomach, wringing it like a wet cloth. My emotion slipped through the cracks of my fingers like water, seeping through the crevices of my hands like blood. Dripping down to fill every piece of a broken, empty shell I’m forced to call “home”.

No one could see this part of me. I was desperate to avoid this scenario.

The exterior hardened to make up for this embarrassingly soft center. Versions of myself were created to survive the unlikely scenarios. Everything I felt I needed to be, I became. Everything that was not safe to show, locked away. Despite my efforts, I could never throw away the key.

“What if?”

I kept ignoring the knocks. The pleads. The pounds. The begging. It was annoying to hear, then excruciating. It only got louder. More frequent. If there was a push, I would shove in return. I would win this fight. I had to.

I only became worse. I hated it. I needed it. I lost loved ones over it. I lost sleep over it. I lost time. My life. Everything.

Death was becoming imminent. I knew this. I still put up a measly effort to remain alive. Distractions did a wonderful job, but every force out there swiftly stripped me down until there was nothing, absolutely nothing, perceivably justifiable to keep me here.

You showed up, crashing through my reinforced exterior like it was glass. You completely destroyed my hard work, unraveling it as if you found that one loose string on an article of clothing.

I lay bare. No tricks. No lies. Just a pitiful mess of tears and confusion.

Despite everything I’ve done.

Everything I am.

You showed up.

…

…I hate you, you know that?

…

…

…

…I don’t want to go.